


Horizontal Tango

by thefilthiestpiglet



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Bucky's Broken Dick, HYDRA Trash Party, M/M, Post-Recovery Bucky Barnes, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sam and Natasha appear in reference, as well as Tony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-19
Updated: 2015-11-19
Packaged: 2018-05-02 08:51:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5242220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefilthiestpiglet/pseuds/thefilthiestpiglet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>HTP prompt: Post-TWS, Steve and Bucky start a relationship.  Bucky is mostly okay, except that they discover that the sex is never going to work out. [<a href="http://hydratrashmeme.dreamwidth.org/1634.html?thread=3313762#cmt3313762">full prompt</a>]</p><p>Or: 5 times that Steve and Bucky failed to have sex, and 1 time they did.</p><p>[Note: If you are just here for the HTP noncon, it's in the +1.  That's also where the trash art is.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. [1]

The sex started out fine. Actually it started out as a relief after an awkward dinner date. Steve had taken Bucky to what Pepper had assured Steve was an excellent First Date restaurant, which turned out to be too fancy for the both of them. Bucky folded up his napkin halfway through the second course and said, "Steve, let's go. I'm not a gal that you need to treat, we haven't made small talk with each other since we were 10, and we already live in the same apartment. Let's do something else tonight." Then he cracked a seductive smile that made Steve all too happy to comply.

15 minutes later they were back in the apartment, and Bucky had taken the lead in kissing Steve. Now that Bucky had most of his memories back, he definitely had more experience with how to initiate this. Soon Steve had his back against the wall and Bucky's hands were creeping up his shirt to tease Steve's nipples, sending tingles along Steve's belly. Steve couldn't help moaning and arching into Bucky's touch. This was *much* better than sitting through 8 more courses at that restaurant.

In the midst of all that kissing and fondling, Steve found himself on his bed in just his underwear, with Bucky straddling him, wicked grin on his face. Bucky clearly knew what he was doing, since his ass was seated squarely on Steve's hard cock, and through his underwear and Bucky's jeans Steve could feel Bucky's ass cheeks gently squeezing and teasing. He twitched his cock in reply and got a chuckle from Bucky. "All right, all right, in a bit of a hurry, aren't we?" As Steve muttered something about waiting 70 years, Bucky scooted down to kneel between Steve's legs and shot a look up at Steve, licking his lips in anticipation as he deftly slid down Steve's underwear.

Steve threw his head back and moaned as his cock touched the chill night air, and was subsequently covered by slow teasing licks and nibbles from Bucky. Bucky's breath came fast and short over the length of his cock as he...

No wait. That was the sound of Bucky hyperventilating.

Steve pushed himself up and looked down. Bucky was still trying to lick his cock but his entire body was rigid and wracked with tremors. "Buck." No response. "Bucky." Steve knew he shouldn't touch Bucky in a situation like this, so he slowly turned himself around on the bed so that his face was under Bucky's kneeling form, where his cock used to be.

"Hey Buck. It's me, Steve." Bucky's breath hit Steve's forehead hard and fast, and his eyes were glassy. "You're clearly not okay so I"m not gonna ask that." Still no response. It's been a few months since Bucky's had an episode this bad. "Y'know that I love you, right?" It took Steve the better part of a decade to finally say those words, and now that they're out there, he just wanted to say them over and over again, forever.

"And you don't have to do something that you're ready for. This is me, remember? I used to have to take breaks on every other stair landing. I hated that feeling, of being weak. But you always made it better." Now Steve was just shooting his mouth -- he knew that his voice helped more to ground Bucky than what he actually said. "You always said that you enjoyed stopping for the view. I thought you were being a jerk, but looking back, you probably meant the view of my ass, eh?" Bucky's breathing slowed and Steve heard an exhalation that sounded like a light chuckle, so he continued. "That why you insisted on walking behind me? You liked my bony ass?" Steve quirked an eyebrow as he saw Bucky finally come back to him.

Bucky heaved a slow heavy sigh and sat back miserably on his heels. "I really thought I could do it." He cast a doleful glance at Steve's now-flaccid cock. "Just because I can't... I really wanted to..." Bucky slapped his own face. "Dammit, what's wrong with me? I should be able to show you a good time. I know *how*, it's all *in* here. And I WANT to." The last part came out as a whine.

Steve gingerly wrapped himself around Bucky and peppered his face and neck with kisses. "Hey Buck, it's okay. They had years to mess with your head -- and it's always easier to make a mess than to tidy up." As he felt Bucky's shoulders soften, Steve slowly kissed up Bucky's beautiful jawline to nip at his ear. "Besides, we've got so many other ways to end a first date."

"You never know when to give up, do you, punk?" Bucky turned his head to catch Steve's mouth in his.


	2. [2]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight trash flashback warning, since it's Bucky POV.

By all measures except one, Bucky and Steve's relationship was going great. They both kept busy during the day -- Steve's meetings tended to involve more Avengers, and Bucky's meetings tended to involve more doctors. But no matter how busy they got, they always made sure to eat dinner together. It was one of those couples things -- Bucky's uncle and aunt did that, and their relationship worked out much better than Bucky's parents'. And on the nights when Bucky wasn't joining Steve at some Stark event, Bucky got to cook. Of the two of them, Steve had always been the perfunctory eater, and Bucky grew up in a household where cooking was strictly the women's job. But it's the 21st century, and after the years of tube feeding, being able to cook and eat food was one of the first things made Bucky feel more human than weapon.

So honestly, things were pretty good, except for The Sex Problem. Steve refused to call it a problem, but that's what it was. Ever since that first date, they've settled into a routine where Bucky'd kiss and play with Steve's torso until the smell of Steve's pre-cum turned Bucky's stomach. Then he'd go get a drink of water and took deep calming breaths while listening to Steve jerk himself off in the other room.

Steve's said that's enough for him, but dammit, it's not enough for Bucky. He loved Steve. He wanted to be the one who could get Steve to come. He wanted to be the one who caused those moans of orgasm and release. He shouldn't have to be in the other room trying to avoid a panic attack. Bucky was pretty sure that counted as a Sex Problem.

But tonight as he waited for the curry to boil down, Bucky had a thought. The crux of the problem wasn't that he'd have horrifying flashbacks during sex, but that those flashback were completely debilitating. In those moments, he was only good for staying rigid and shaking. Guaranteed boner killer. But what if he could maneuver Steve into fucking him from behind *before* he got triggered? All he had to do in that position was stay still anyway, and this way, Bucky could get Steve to come, flashbacks and all. Then it'd no longer be a Sex Problem, just a Debilitating Flashback Problem, and that would be something Bucky could deal with on his own.

The plan almost works. At least, what he could remember of it. After dinner, Bucky and Steve did their usual fooling around on the bed, and this time, instead of leaving the room, Bucky'd turned around, pulled down his pants, and wiggled his ass as seductively as he could. "C'mere Steve, enough of that. I wanna try something new. I want you inside me."

"Bucky, you sure about this?" Bucky managed to hear Steve's hesitation as he fought down the nausea of having his balls suddenly exposed and vulnerable. Not now, he told himself. Not yet.

"Damn right I am. C'mon!" He hoped that the gritting of his teeth translated as horny desperation. It probably did, since the last thing he clearly remembered as he buried his head in a soft pillow was the feeling of Steve's hard cock against his ass.

Then he could feel fingers stretching him. And things besides fingers -- hard metal things, things that stung and cut and left splinters. There was a cold gentle touch of lube? But probably just old cum leaking out. Or his blood. Sometimes they got creative when they got bored of the usual. There was a gag in his mouth. No. A pillow. Or a cock? How many cocks had he taken that night? He'd lost count. Or maybe he hadn't even started counting. It didn't matter -- the only thing he could do was wait for it to be over.

It was the smell of oranges that brought him back. Bucky found himself drenched with sweat and tears, head in a pillow and ass in the air, all his muscles tense. This... didn't bode well for the plan. Bucky gingerly flipped around and leaned on the headboard. Steve was peeling an orange next to him, fully clothed.

Bucky sighed. "Fuck. It didn't work."

Steve stopped peeling his orange long enough to hand Bucky a cup of water from his side of the bed. Bucky suddenly realized how thirsty he was. Judging by the dampness of his pillow, he probably lost a lot of water.

"I think it worked just fine" Steve's voice was dry. Shit. "First I was confused why you kept making mumbling noises. Then when you didn't respond I was worried that I was hurting you. When I figured out I'd triggered you again I hated myself for not catching on until I'd nearly put it in you. I panicked because you weren't coming back no matter what I did. Then I was angry at you for telling me that you wanted this when you clearly didn't. And now.... I'm just tired." Steve handed Bucky half of the orange without looking at him. "Any other emotion you wanted me to feel in the last hour? Or were you hoping I'd be turned on by fucking my boyfriend into a catatonic state?"

The orange slices tasted bitter in Bucky's mouth but he forced himself to swallow. He tried to focus on the orange slices and not on the bitterness in Steve's voice. "Please, Steve. Y'gotta understand. That wasn't what I wanted ..."

"Then what *did* you want, Bucky? You *wanted* to be triggered? You *wanted* to trick me into fucking you when you clearly didn't want it? Did you think I'd enjoy *any* of that?"

Steve's voice was half-accusatory and half-perplexed. So Bucky held onto the one fact that he knew was true. "I ... But I *do* want you to fuck me."

"Well, your body clearly didn't." Steve bit back.

"So? I'm fucking tired of letting this body dictate everything. If I go for more than 4 hours without sufficient caloric intake my arm starts drawing energy directly from my fat reserves. If I sleep on my right side it puts too much pressure on my heart." Bucky clawed at his arm. It felt good to say these things out loud for once. "I can't touch myself without wanting to throw up. I can't even smell, much less touch your cock without triggering flashbacks." Bucky wished he could rip out the part of his brain that was doing this. "But I fucking WANT to. I want to feel your cum inside me. I want to suck your cock and have you suck mine. Hell, I just want to be able to jerk you off." Bucky tilted his head back to keep tears out of his eyes. "I can eat food now, why can't I have sex?" He hoped those desires weren't as insurmountable as they felt right then.

"The last days of a flu are the worst, Bucky." Steve said gently, and Bucky remembered saying that to Steve when they were kids. Mrs. Rogers would be at work, and Steve bedridden from one of the many illnesses that lined up at his door. It was one thing when Steve was coughing up blood, but once he was on the mend -- it was all Bucky could do to convince Steve to stay in bed on more day.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." It felt good to think of this problem as the result of all the progress he's made in recovery. He was Bucky Barnes. He wasn't the Winter Soldier anymore. He had friends. He had Steve. 

"I'm sorry, Steve." Bucky sighed and reached over to hold Steve's hand. "I shouldn't have tricked you -- that was all my fault. I just thought... well, it's my problem, and I should be able to handle it."

Steve pulled Bucky's hand to his lips and kissed it gently. "Bucky, we're in a RELATIONSHIP. If we're going to make sex work, we have to do it together. I'm sorry I didn't get it when you called it a problem before, but now that I do..." Steve turned to face Bucky with a look of determination. "We will keep at this -- there's lots of things to try, and we can try all of them. Just... promise to tap out before it gets this bad, okay?"

Steve always looked so cute when he saw a problem to tackle, and Bucky knew there was no stopping him when he got that look -- not when he was 10 and charging at bullies, not when he was 17 and hunting for a job, and not when he was 25 and taking down HYDRA. The only thing to do was follow.

"Roger that, Captain." Bucky waved a mock salute before pulling Steve into a firm kiss.


	3. [3]

The moment Bucky made it back into the apartment he unzipped and wiggled out of his Weiner Soldier costume and promptly collapsed on the couch, face down. Steve chose to take his time -- for one, his USO girl costume was much less cumbersome (though much colder for the motorcycle ride home), and for another, maybe there was still another use for it.

Steve sat down primly next to Bucky -- funny how wearing a skirt and tight underwear made him extra self conscious about his posture -- and started gently kneading Bucky's back. Parties were hard for them both, but Bucky especially. Steve worked at the familiar knot of muscle right under Bucky's left shoulder blade. There was some extra tension there tonight from it being Halloween -- night of jump scares and masked people high on sugar.

But maybe... "Hey Buck," Steve ventured. "You still awake enough to try something? I had a thought about the list." They'd spent the last two months experimenting with different sex positions. Unfortunately, the primary result had been an ever-growing list of sex triggers. Positions, words, smells, tone of voice...

Bucky flipped over on the couch so that he was facing Steve and simply raised an eyebrow. He was clearly tired, but curious.

Steve began, "Most of the things on that list have one thing in common...my cock."

Bucky burst out laughing. "No offense, Steve -- it's not just YOUR cock, it's any cock. Unfortunately, we can't do it without your cock ... it's the main actor of our show."

"But what about yours?" In all of their attempts thus far, Bucky's kept his own genitals chastely ensconced in at least two layers, and given what happened last time Bucky pulled his pants down, Steve didn't blame him.

Bucky protested automatically. "But I can't get myself hard, much less jerk off. It wasn't allowed..." Bucky stopped suddenly as the venn diagram formed in his head and he saw the same untapped category that Steve did. "You're saying we should try something where I don't touch my cock and don't see your cock. So you want to..."

"Try giving you a suckjob, yes." Steve tried not too look too eager. Just because he'd been wanting to since he was 15 didn't mean Bucky felt the same way. Especially not with whatever HYDRA's done.

Bucky pondered this possibility for a moment, then rolled to a half-sitting position. "And what's to stop me from seeing or smelling *your* cock?"

Steve gestured to his USO girl outfit. "You don't see it now, do you? And I figured like this I look about as Not-HYDRA as I can get."

And for the first time that night, Bucky seriously looked at Steve, REALLY looked. He swept his eyes slowly up and down Steve's torso, starting with the wide belt cinched around his waist, he followed the flare of Steve's chest to the awkward jut of his shoulders under the too-wide collar and the sleeveless top, and finally up to Steve's face, still colored with lipstick and framed with blonde curls. Steve found himself blushing from the unexpected thrill of it -- it felt different from looks of admiration when he was dressed as Captain America, but also different from the normal physical familiarity that he shared with Bucky. Steve couldn't stop an excited shiver from passing through him.

Bucky cracked a grin. "You like this, don't you, doll?"

Steve thrust his chin out and countered, "You like what you see?"

"Depends." Bucky stretched back lazily and spread his legs slightly in invitation. "You're the one with a plan." Steve grinned. Bucky was on board. Even though most of these attempts ended in awkwardness, he always enjoyed the mutual exploration in the beginning. It was fun to tackle something with Bucky that didn't involve punching people.

Steve slowly leaned over Bucky to push up his shirt and kiss a trail up his belly, pausing to circle each nipple lovingly with his tongue. His blonde curls cascaded in a curtain around his head, blocking off his peripheral vision and gently grazing Bucky's sides. Bucky's crotch jerked up in response, so Steve kissed his way back down and started unbuttoning Bucky's pants.

A part of him had hoped to find Bucky hard, but Steve could feel from the unzipping process that was not to be. Oh well. He carefully dug out Bucky's flaccid cock and looked up. Bucky was peering at him with a slight frown -- not triggered, but also a bit... nervous? Steve licked his lips and smiled, mouthing "I love you". As Bucky relaxed, he returned to the task at hand. He'd waited so long for this: Bucky's cock in his hands, his to nuzzle and taste and kiss. A way to show how much he loved Bucky. Eagerly he dove into this little slice of heaven between Bucky's legs.

Eventually Steve felt a gentle tug at his wig, and looked up from his blissful sucking and nuzzling. "I'm sorry, Steve." Bucky looked apologetic. "It's been 20 minutes. I don't think it's going to work."

It's true that Bucky had remained soft, but...Steve looked down longingly. "C'mon, Bucky, maybe if I keep going...."

Bucky laughed. "I know *you* can do this all night, Steve. But it's getting kind of boring for me. So how about you come back up here and let me kiss you and properly enjoy that cute outfit of yours?"

Steve blushed, suddenly aware of the way the skirt accentuated his ass. Maybe, with his cock carefully tucked away, they can get a little further than their usual groping. He started a slow climb back up along Bucky's body, trying to move as gracefully as he could, and keeping his eyes on Bucky's face this time. Steve was rewarded by the warm lust in Bucky's eyes and a firm spank on his ass as Bucky pulled him in for a hungry kiss. "C'mere, doll."

This part was familiar -- the kissing, the fondling. But it was also freshly thrilling because of Steve's dress. Bucky grabbed Steve's ass a bit more than usual and called him 'doll'. Steve did his part in teasing Bucky with his hair and pouting as adorably as he could. There was a fun moment where Bucky straddled Steve and squeezed his tits together and dipped down to nuzzle between them, which made Steve flush and whine in a way he didn't think was possible. With his hard cock neatly tucked away and the underwear absorbing his pre-cum, Steve almost expected this lovely teasing to continue forever. But then Bucky's face twitched in the now-familiar way as Steve was grinding on top of Bucky.

With a sigh, Steve pushed off of Bucky and stood up. Now was the part where Steve would go into the other room to finish up without bothering Bucky. But... something about the skirt and the kissing and the earlier conversation made Steve sit back down instead. Bucky gave him a puzzled look as Steve gestured for him to turn on his side. "What? I don't need to finish every time, y'know."

Bucky smiled, zipped up his pants and stretched himself along the couch, facing out. "I guess not."

Steve laid himself down along Bucky, carefully positioning himself to not trigger Bucky. "That was fun." Steve wiggled his butt lazily as he settled into the spooning. "And you got pretty into the 'doll' thing."

Bucky wrapped his right arm possessively around Steve's midriff. "Well, what can I do when you flush so prettily?"

Steve turned slightly to kiss at Bucky's stifled yawn. "Mmmm. What indeed?"

As Steve stifled a yawn himself and slowly drifted off, he took stock: zero orgasms, but also zero triggers. And some new experiences along the way. Not bad, all things considered.


	4. [4]

Steve was staring at Bucky's hand. "Explain to me again how you got this... er... upgrade?"

Bucky shrugged. "I was just chatting with Tony about this and that." It was hard to explain to Steve how chatting with Tony worked. They were ostensibly testing out Tony's new hack of the Howling Commandos video game. But somewhere between talking about weapons systems and the new Starbuck latte, they also ended up talking about sex and long term relationships. Somehow by the end of it Tony had gotten it into his head that Bucky was looking to spice up his sex life, and managed to convince Bucky that the upgrade would only take 5 minutes. It took eight.

Steve looked a bit skeptical. "And... how will this be different from all the other implements we tried?"

"Well, this is going to be *me*, much finer control, and much more powerful. I should be able to stimulate your prostate enough to jerk you off without interacting with your cock." And oh god Bucky wanted to be the one to make Steve orgasm. He remembered how sex worked, from before. The way the girl's legs would tense around his head, the way they would moan and twitch as he hit all the right spots in the right rhythm with his cock. The pleasure of bringing someone else to orgasm was almost as good as getting there himself --- and if it felt that good with the girls he was dating, Bucky wanted that tenfold with Steve.

Steve still looked dubious. "And what about ejaculation? You'd still end up seeing or smelling it..."

Bucky smiled and pulled out a small vial. "Something I picked up from Clint -- temporarily blocks my sense of smell. I think maybe he wheedled it off of Bruce? Anyway, he uses it whenever he has to clean out his fridge. Lasts 30 minutes for him, so probably only 10 minutes for me. But it should be enough if we apply it at the right time."

Steve grinned. "Then what are we waiting for?"

They ended up opting for the bed this time. As they got ready, Bucky tried not to think of the box of failed sex implements under the bed, and instead concentrated on the mission: jerk Steve off. After some maneuvering, they ended up with Steve lying face up and Bucky to the side. Steve discretely covered his cock with a blanket, and Bucky stayed in his jeans. They started with the usual kissing and grinding, which soon escalated to nips all along the torso, until finally Bucky slicked up his left hand and slipped it under the blanket. At the same time, Steve opened the vial and held it to Bucky's nose, and Bucky inhaled deeply. They were ready for the main event.

It was easy enough to find Steve's hole, and after a few gentle probes he pressed one finger all the way in. He knew he found the right spot when Steve suddenly arched and moaned into Bucky's neck. When Bucky turned his hand on, Steve's moans turned hurried, desperate. "Please, Bucky." Steve moaned. "Let me kiss you." Bucky leaned in and .... tasted nothing. He could barely feel the sensation of Steve's frantic lips against his, and Steve's moans were muffled. It was like everything was under a blanket a mile away, and not two inches from his face.

And that's when Bucky realized the horror of his situation: in order to be present for Steve's orgasm, he had to dull his senses so much that he might as well be in the other room. He couldn't even enjoy it.

When Steve came he shuddered and screamed into Bucky's shoulder. Bucky just pulled his finger out and held Steve close while he waited for his senses to come back. He tried to respond appropriately to Steve's eager kisses, but as Steve calmed down into nuzzling Bucky's shoulder, Bucky closed his eyes to stop the tears. This wasn't what he wanted.

By this point Bucky had resigned himself to not being able to bring himself to orgasm. Hydra took plenty of other things from him, and he'd long since decided that he'd rather work around those issues than dwell in self-pity. But he gave himself a small moment here. Was it really to much to want to experience orgasm with Steve? To truly be present for the pleasure and the touch? Did Hydra have to take that, too?

As if in answer, Bucky's senses suddenly came back full blast, and he had to hurry out of the room to avoid the smell of ejaculate hanging in the air. He took some extra time drinking water in the kitchen and composing himself, so by the time he returned, Steve was all cleaned up and sitting nervously on the bed. "Bucky? Was that ...? Did that work for you?"

Bucky sat down heavily on the bed and thought about what Tony said that afternoon about things you keep from your partner. Then he thought back to what Steve had said at the beginning of this endeavor: relationships, and sex, required honesty. "No. Not exactly. I wanted to feel you, Steve. But with all these extra layers ... I couldn't. Not properly." He couldn't bear to look at Steve -- they'd both been trying so hard.

Steve moved to the edge of the bed and wrapped his arms tightly around Bucky, and Bucky leaned gratefully into it. This, he could feel. Bucky tried to count his blessings. He wasn't the Winter Soldier anymore. He had friends. He had Steve. Things are generally all right. After a moment, he remembered to say, "At least you came pretty hard -- so that worked."

"Well, yes." Steve shrugged. "But it was mostly physical. If you aren't enjoying it, it doesn't really do it for me."

Bucky sighed and looked at his hand. "Well, I can't really put this in the failed sex toy box...."

Steve took Bucky's hand and examined it, then suddenly perked up. "Bet you can make a mean smoothie with that." He leapt up from the bed and started pulling Bucky toward the kitchen. "Come on, let's try it out. I'll chop up some bananas. You should wash it first, though."

Bucky smiled at the welcome distraction and put a firm end to his self-pity party. Standing up, he yelled after Steve, "What, you *don't* want shit in your smoothie?" Make lemonade out of lemons. Right.


	5. [5]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's no actual sex here, sorry. I make up for it in the next chapter, I promise.

Steve opened the door to the apartment to find Bucky already there, rummaging through the fridge. Bucky looked up at the clock when he came in. "3am. Sam kick you out, too?"

Steve sat down at the kitchen table. "Yup. He said that no matter what, I should not stay overnight when it's the first time, that I had to go home and debrief." Steve had wanted to cuddle a bit more -- it felt wrong to just leave. But he knew Sam was right.

"Pretty much what Natalia said." Bucky plunked down in the chair next to him with a plate of celery and peanut butter. "Why is it that they're better at this than we are?"

"Well, we did agree on them because they're good, sexy people that we trust." Steve snagged a celery stick and chewed amicably. If he wanted to, he could just pretend this was one of their super-metabolism-driven midnight snack sessions.

But Bucky got straight to the point. "So how did it go for you?"

"A bit awkward at first, but..." Steve thought back to the warm thickness of Sam's cock in his mouth, the way it felt in his ass, the soft scratches of his goatee against his chest. "It was good. Different." He couldn't help smiling at that. He'd almost forgotten what a stiffening cock looked and felt like. Halfway through, he had a moment of panic, feeling as though he'd forgotten to worry about something. But Sam just smiled as he licked the precum off of Steve's cock before sliding down to taking in the rest of his length. 

"And what about you, Buck?"

Bucky smiled. A tight smile, but there was pride in it nonetheless. "Nothing for me, as usual. But I got her to come. Multiple times."

Steve quirked an eyebrow and gestured with the celery in his hand. "With your shake-maker?"

"Once, yeah. But the rest of it was all me." Bucky leaned back on his chair and a look of utter bliss flashed across his face. "I can still smell it."

Steve fought to tamp down the sudden pang of jealousy. Completely irrational, given that he was the one who brought up the idea of trying with other people in the first place, and didn't he just have an absolutely amazing time with Sam? But Steve couldn't help thinking about all the hundreds of times that Bucky had tensed up and had to leave the room because of the smells of sex. What Bucky was able to do with Natasha... he could never have that. He wanted to punch Hydra for taking this part of Bucky from him.

Instead, Steve shoved another celery stick in his mouth and said, "So maybe this should become a regular thing."

Bucky straightened and looked thoughtful. "I don't know, Steve. It was good, yes. And like you said, different."

"I'm sure we both mean easier." Steve regretted those words the second he spat them out, but it was too late. He was never good at keeping his mouth shut when he's feeling angry.

Bucky shot him a dark look and leaned across the table. "Yes, you punk. Of course it was easier. But in case you haven't noticed, I don't do life on 'easier' mode, I do it on 'Steve Rogers' mode." By now Bucky was half out of his chair. "Was it nice to actually be in the room with someone you like and get to fully enjoy their body? Of course. Was it less frustrating because there weren't those hundreds of failures hanging over my head? Duh." Bucky jabbed a finger at him. "And don't you *dare* say it wasn't like that for you and Sam."

Then just as suddenly, Bucky deflated and sat back down. "But after... I just kept wishing I could do some of that... ANY of that... with you." Bucky buried his head in his hands. "It was easier because it wasn't you. But you are what I want." His voice came out muffled, the way he'd sound when he's trying hard not to cry. "And that's not fair to Natalia. I shouldn't have...."

Steve reached across the table and pulled Bucky's hands from covering his face. "Stop it, Bucky." Steve said as gently as he could. "Don't deny yourself a good thing just because you want something else. You do that enough when it's just between us." Bucky blinked slowly, not quite comprehending, but nodded. "At the very least, you should ask Nat about it before you decide that it's not fair to her."

Steve continued, making his apology how he can. "And you're absolutely right -- about me and Sam, about this whole ... arrangement. It's easier, but it's not US." Bucky nodded again. Steve got up and pulled at Bucky. "C'mon, Buck, let's do our thing for a bit." He lead Bucky to sit on the couch and held him tight, kneading small soothing circles on Bucky's back. 

Slowly, Steve felt Bucky relax under his hands. Finally, Bucky sighed. "So... is this it? We just can't have proper sex with each other?"

Steve grasped for something to say. Bucky was right, of course -- they've got nearly a year's worth of evidence that sex just isn't going to work. But he's also wrong in that.... "Remember how I spent all of the Cyclone ride vomiting my guts out?" Bucky nodded, not quite sure where Steve was going with this. Steve had refused Bucky's charity, so it took half of the summer to save up enough money for Coney Island. By then he'd researched all of the rides and shows and knew exactly how he wanted to spend his money. "I always said it was you who made me ride it, but the truth was ... I wanted to. More than anything." Bucky looked up at Steve -- this was a version of events that he hadn't heard before. Steve kept searching for the right words. "And after failing at that, the rest of Coney Island just felt like a ... a consolation prize. The ferris wheel, the food and sideshows... even that bear you won for me at the shooting range."

Bucky chuckled at the memory. "That bear. It was the best prize I'd won for anybody and I really wanted you to like it. But you just shoved it back at me and told me to take IT on the Cyclone with me."

"I later showed that bear to Howard as a model for Bucky Bear, y'know." Bucky's startled look meant that he didn't know that, either.

"But that meant that you..."

"Yeah, of course I kept it. The bear was far more important. It was just that I couldn't appreciate it properly when I was still bitter about the Cyclone. Took me a day to come to my senses, but I did." Steve pulled Bucky into a gentle kiss. "You're *never* the consolation prize, Buck."

And as he felt Bucky's kisses grow more urgent under him, Steve figured that maybe he said the right thing after all.


	6. [+1]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Significant Trash warning for this chapter. (and the trashy image)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also: Steve and Bucky got married between the end of last chapter and this one.

They ran as fast as they could from the exploding HYDRA base, and still Bucky could feel the heat scorching his back. Another 10 minutes and finally they were far enough away, Bucky promptly collapsed at the foot of a tree -- his legs were screaming in pain and his lungs were on fire. He knew that the Winter Soldier would have just ignored it and kept going, but as Bucky Barnes, he deserved a rest after what just happened. Steve sat down more gingerly next to him, wincing a bit as he did so.

"Well, that was thoroughly horrible." Bucky reached out to hold Steve's left hand as Steve called for air pickup. "I didn't know Hydra still had *that* up their sleeve."

"Hey, it's all right." Steve laughed bitterly, snapping the phone shut and leaning heavily against the tree. "What's a little forced sex between two people in a committed long term relationship?"

Bucky choked out a laugh. "Yeah, it wasn't like HYDRA succeeded in a few days what we've been trying and failing to do for the past year. We should really send them a gift basket." All joking aside, it really *was* horrible. It was an ambush, and they got immediately separated. Then for two days it was the usual regimen for Bucky -- tests, drugs, reconditioning, and the chair. He shuddered at how easy it was for him to revert to the Winter Soldier. His therapist would call it natural survival instincts. What it meant, though, was that by the time they pumped him full of aphrodisiacs and lead him to Steve on the third day, it felt like just another mission.

Looking back now, Bucky could process the full horror of the situation -- Steve suspended from the ceiling, spider gag in his mouth, knife and whip scars all over his body in different states of healing. Blood and cum dripped from his face and his hole, loose from the continuous rapes. And that was just the visible evidence on day three.

It was supposed to be Steve's final humiliation: to have the restored and docile Winter Soldier fuck Captain America at HYDRA's command. HYDRA sure loved spectacle -- first they made Bucky suck off everyone in the room while Steve watched. Then they maneuvered Steve's arms and legs around like a puppet to their desired angle of entry, and ordered Bucky to fuck Steve's mouth and ass.

"Fuck, that was horrible." Bucky said again, heaving a heavy sigh. "I'm sorry about raping you like that. Rape sucks." Understatement of the year. Especially when you're being raped by the shell of a the man who was your husband.

Steve tightened his grip on Bucky's hand. "It's all right. I made you come, for once. I guess that counts for something." Bucky sat up to lean against the tree next to Steve. This way they could hold hands without having to look at each other. "Plus you took the opportunity to weaken my chains with that new hand upgrade."

Bucky frowned. Was that what he was doing? He's still slowly processing through the Winter Soldier's jumble of memories. He shuddered at how easy it was to suck cock as the Winter Soldier. Suck, fuck, be fucked, it hardly mattered. Guess the debilitating triggers he experienced as Bucky Barnes really *was* a sign that he'd recovered his humanity.

But if he were weakening the chains at the same time, that meant that the Bucky part of him was fighting back. He didn't remember events very well as the Winter Soldier -- everything was seen as a list of tasks completed, and non-mission-critical details didn't register. "You made me come? I don't remember." His own orgasm wasn't part of the mission parameters. "All I remember was that they were really angry at me for something, and then they ordered me to suck you off." Bucky leaned into Steve and said again, because it was the only thing he could say. "I'm sorry."

Steve sighed and pulled Bucky in closer while picking at a knife scar along his thigh. "That was our first time, Buck." He stroked Bucky's hair gently. "It shouldn't have been like that."

They sat in silence for a while, mourning in their own ways.

"For what it's worth, it was the look on your face when you came that turned off my conditioning." The sight of Steve crying angry tears as he came in Bucky's mouth.... "I knew that it was something that mattered to ME. Not a mission, not an order. But something that I'd wanted for a long time. Except not like that." All that wanting and not-wanting, it was like he was back on the helicarrier again. Bucky remembered the flood of emotions that followed -- joy at the taste of Steve's cum, distress at what he'd just forced out of Steve, and finally, cold rage at what Hydra had done.

"Well, we got out, and now they're just a pile of rubble." Steve's voice echoed the same rage that Bucky felt.

They stayed quiet, holding each other a bit longer. It felt nice, nestled in Steve's shoulder like this. Bucky knew that it's going to take time for Steve' to process what happened to him. Heck, Hydra's tricks were old hat to Bucky by now, but it was *still* going to take him a LOT of therapy sessions to process this. But there's one thing he needed to confirm now. Before the quinjet arrives for pickup, before all the doctors and the debrief sessions.

"Steve?"

"Hmm?"

"We're gonna be okay, right? We're going to work through this. Together. Like all the other times." Well, there weren't exactly other times where Bucky was forced to fuck Steve, but Bucky figured Steve knew what he was talking about. This whole experience had probably set the Sex Problem back to zero.

"Y'know, they really wanted me to come from what they were doing to me, so they kept injecting me with these vials of ... something." Steve said suddenly.

"Oh yeah, that's some top brand aphrodisiacs custom-made for super-soldiers. Before you came along I was pretty much the sole test subject and recipient." Bucky supposed that he could laugh about it now. "Sexual torture is Hydra's favorite kind, and Hydra takes their work seriously."

"Well, I snagged a couple before we blew everything up." Steve admitted with a forced lightness in his voice. "I don't think I'd want to do anything any time soon, but maybe..."

"Oh my god, you punk." Bucky turned and gave Steve a tight hug and a gentle peck on his cheek, then couldn't help shaking his head in wonderment. This punk who didn't know when to stop. Who'd think to grab some of the tools of his torture just because it might help Bucky with his broken dick. Bucky was the luckiest man alive to be married to this guy. "I love you so fucking much."

Steve smiled and gave him a chaste kiss in return. And Bucky couldn't stop grinning. Yup. They're going to make it through this just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are! At the end of 5 chapters of "the sex doesn't work but it turns out to be okay", here's the chapter of "they manage to have sex but it's their worst nightmare." This is like a reverse Trash Party fic. :3
> 
> (And in case you're wondering -- my headcanon is that *eventually* they're able to use the HYDRA aphrodisiac to get over some of Bucky's broken dick problems. After a lot of therapy, a lot of experimentation, and some help from Tony/Bruce.)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on [tumblr](http://thefilthiestpiglet.tumblr.com).


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